When the past trips me up

3 Nov

I bumped into somebody from my old life today.  We paused to chat, but then came the inevitable question;  ‘How are the children?’ and I went cold inside.

Three years on and I still can’t handle that question.

To stand there and announce that my children have chosen not to be a part of my life feels as if I am betraying them.  To say that AW has lied and manipulated them sounds as if I am full of bitterness towards him.  To simply say that I don’t see them anymore opens up a whole different can of worms and questions.

My friend knew the children better than most and looked shocked and said how sorry she was.  I could see the unasked questions behind her eyes but a busy shop was not the place to have that conversation.  We finished up with some small talk and parted, but that chance meeting, as usual, floored me.  Perhaps I should prepare business cards for situations like today – directing people to check out my blog when they get home.  Maybe a future post or twenty should contain some of the emails and lies that AW spread about me.  I would have loved to stand with that neighbour and recounted some of our shared memories of my children, but reeling from her question, I mumbled my excuses and moved on.

Not a day goes by when I don’t think of my children.  I have their initials tattooed on my skin and every nuance and mannerism is engraved on my heart, but I cannot allow myself to openly grieve.  Every so often, I lock myself away, let my guard down and howl, but occasionally the past creeps around and unexpectedly trips me up.


3 Responses to “When the past trips me up”

  1. Sw November 4, 2012 at 10:15 am #

    Feeling this for you x

  2. Terri Nixon November 4, 2012 at 11:42 am #

    Nothing I can say that I haven’t already said, but every time I see a fresh post like this it reminds me how amazing you are that you don’t ever let it show … just remember you can, if you need to, with the right people. xx

  3. Shelley Clarke December 20, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

    Ditto to Ms Nixon, you are an amazing woman with an incredible inner strength and a wonderful friend. You deserve all the lovely things that are coming your way and one day your dream for you kids will come true! XXX

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